I live with three other women and my father (who may be slowly turning into one due to all the female pheromones and hairspray in the air). Women are tricky creatures and can be extremely difficult to live with, especially if you are one of them. These are the top four beauty related issues that I have with living in a female habitat:
1. What’s with all the hair?: There is hair everywhere. Constantly. You can brush your fingers across the carpet of any room in the house and have gathered enough human hair to earn yourself £50 on e-bay by sewing it together, attaching a few clips, and selling it to some sixteen-year-old living down the road from you.
The shower drain is the mother-ship when it comes to hair-prone areas in the household. Every day a new bundle of fur will appear by my toes and I will shriek with fear as I stand on it, convinced that I have crushed a newborn kitten that has entered the home and somehow managed to crawl into the bathtub with me.
With the amount of hair that escapes down our drains on a daily basis, I genuinely believe that one day a mass of dirty fluids will suddenly erupt from them and a blonde creature with brunette undertones will emerge. It will escape from its watery lair through some roadworks on the street and wreak havoc on the neighbourhood, leaving a stench of strawberry infused shower gel in its wake. I’m sure of it.
2. Apologies, I didn’t realize that was your tampon: That L’Oreal shampoo I spent an extra few pounds on because of it’s gold packaging is empty in less than a week. I look at it like an unfaithful lover, hands shaking with the weight of the large black TRESemme bottle I’m having to substitute it with. Drained and wrinkled, L’Oreal looks up at me from a damp bathtub corner as I lather up my head with an unfamiliar product. … You made your choice L’Oreal. Deal with it.
Women truly are monsters when it comes to stealing others beauty products. Nail varnishes, hairspray, even tampons; nothing is off bounds to a girl with chipped polish or a lack of volume in her hair. Face wipes, however, must have their own entire category. You will understand why soon enough.
3. Face wipes: Face wipes. Simple is the only brand to go with in this house, the majority of other supermarket options will leave you battling an outcrop of spots and plotting a skin blemishing revenge on those closest to you (of course I’m joking, you don’t mess with another girls skin regimen, that would be barbaric).
Whenever you buy a new stash of Simple wipes, three days later you will reach into the packet and feel an overwhelming sense of panic as your fingers brush against the plastic bottom. Even if you hide them in a drawer, someone having experienced the same panic earlier in the day will have undoubtedly found them and stolen them from you.
Due to the immense value of these face wipes, if you ever see a loved one living in your household mistreating one (such as using it as a cleaning product), any physical violence directed towards that individual may be pardoned. Strangling the offender with one hand, rubbing a soggy clump of toilet roll down your face with the other, and screaming ‘those aren’t Tesco Value wipes you fucking monster!’ is completely acceptable after witnessing them dusting down a windowsill or cabinet with such a precious item when you still have half a pot of Max Factor foundation smothered on your face. It really is that Simple.
4. Keep your tits out of my tops: When you see your twin sister with tits twice as big as your own wearing your new white crop top it can seem somewhat of an inconvenience. A heated debate may occur, harsh words may be exchanged… This is nothing in comparison to when one of them goes back to uni.
Of course you’ve secretly rummaged through their packed bags multiple times, what fool living with a woman of similar size wouldn’t? You’ve said your goodbyes and waved her off. You’ve taken all the necessary measures of protection. You’ve gone up to your room and you have heard an echo as the door clicks open, revealing what seems like an empty cavern. Did she tape your stolen items to her fucking back?! I thought it was an odd decision for her wear an oversized jumper in this weather.
All you can do is send her a spiteful text and an inventory of all that appears to have been taken from you (1 low-cut crop top from Missguided, 1 new pair of cleated platform heels, and all hopes of pulling the hot bartender that you’ve been Facebook stalking since he served you last weekend).
So there are basically three main things that you can take away from this post: 1. Women’s hair malts…a lot. 2. They will steal anything from each other if it results in them feeling slightly less greasy, ugly, or unstylish. 3. Always check the wash basket before accusing someone of stealing all of your clothes and taking them to uni.